I was supposed to be on my way to Atlanta, GA for an audition. This would be my third attempt to go to the AMTC (Actors Models and Talent for Christ) program. I had several friends who had went through the entire program and had wonderful things to say about it. My friends had come back looking good, feeling good and carrying with them that X factor. I wanted that.
The first time I tried to attend was in 2012. I went early one Saturday morning to the hotel and listened intently to the presentation. I was getting excited about the possibility of being around other Christians in the entertainment field. After that I performed a dance and a commercial. I think that I did better at the acting than the dancing. I was in the middle of rehearsing for Sweatpants & High Heels and didn’t rehearse my dance like I should have.
But it didn’t matter because right after the audition I was going to have to rush my husband to the ER. This was one of many trips that my husband had been taking to the ER because of his issues with IBS. At the time we didn’t understand much about the disease but it was taking a toll on his body and our lives in general.
Needless to say I wasn’t able to accept the invitation to join the program.
A little over 6 months later I was able to get in touch with the program again to see if it was possible for me to accept my invitation. Fortunately they said yes. Unfortunately we didn’t have the finances to pay for the program.
And now, 3 years later I was trying again.
It all started with this intense feeling that I was supposed to go to Atlanta for something. For months I would just sense that I was supposed to go there. I had several friends who had moved there to pursue careers in entertainment as well as family so I thought “surely, it’s to visit friends and family”. When I spoke to my mom about this reoccurring feeling she advised me to investigate what events were going on down there. I happened to mention it to another friend who is close friends with the CEO of AMTC and was informed that they would be holding auditions there soon. I shared the dates with my parents and like the wonderful supportive people they are immediately started pre-booking a hotel and making travel arrangements to go down with me. My mother in law said she would help with the kids while I traveled, and I was able to take off work as well.
Everything was falling into place. I felt like this was a predestined weekend and something amazing was going to happen during my audition. It seemed like nothing could go wrong.
During this time we were in the midst of looking for houses to buy. There was one house in particular that we were just in love with but it was a short sale which means “long wait” on banks and approvals and all kinds of fun stuff. We were looking at the house for the umpteenth time the Wednesday before my trip and as I was walking down the driveway towards my car when I mis stepped and twisted my ankle causing me to fall to the ground in pain.
Having had sprained my ankle several times in gymnastics I knew this feeling well. It was a familiar feeling. A very painful familiar feeling. After I got home I put my feet up and figured I would still be okay to travel that coming weekend.
But now I had a new feeling in my gut. This time I felt like God was telling me to stay home.
What?!!!
First I’m supposed to go and now I’m supposed to stay? After everyone made arrangements to help me out?
But I ended up giving in and staying home. My ankle was still swollen and thanks to my fibromyalgia other parts of my body were starting to hurt to.
To tell you the truth, deep down inside I really just wanted to rest.
That weekend I fell into a deep depression. I don’t know what came over me but I was extremely down and sad. I supposed in one sense I had connected this trip with forward movement in my acting career. I thought that maybe going down to ATL would allow me to have exposure in a new way in front of new people that were more involved with the entertainment industry on higher levels. But I wasn’t there, I was at home, in bed with a bum ankle.
I’m not sure how it happened but I stumbled upon Jeff Goins’ blog and new book called The Art of Work. I still do not have any idea why I purchased this book to read. But I’m glad I did.
This book changed my life. Jeff Goins has this uncanny ability to put into words the most hard to articulate musings of the heart. By the second chapter I was in tears.
In his book The Art of Work Jeff Goins discusses the path to finding your purpose. He tells stories of real people who struggled, fought and believed against all odds that it was possible for them to find their purpose in life.
In the second chapter of the book Jeff emphasizes that in order to move forward in walking in your purpose you have to let go of your own dreams. You have to let go of what you think they are supposed to look like and come to terms with your current reality. At that moment I realized that I had put my acting career on a very high pedestal. In fact, I had made an idol out of it. And that could possibly be the very reason I was feeling so depressed over not going to this audition.
In that moment I decided to let go. To really let go. I had to repent and ask God to forgive me for putting my dreams of acting above Him. I feel embarrassed even admitting this but it’s true.
After I confessed, I was set free.
I cannot even express to you the burden that was lifted off of me that weekend. I finally realized that I had been pressing so hard for my vision of what acting and story telling was supposed to look like that I was unable to embrace what God was trying to give me. For the first time in my life I felt a level of freedom I had never felt before. I was so bound and determine to not be a failed actress that I was willing to be consumed by this dream. In the past the pursuit of this dream caused arguments in my marriage, frustration with myself, and a constant sense of failure because I wasn’t in LA going on auditions for network TV. But the truth was I was already doing the thing I wanted to do locally. I was just blind because it didn’t look the way I thought it was supposed to look. I was actually holding on to an old version of Hollywood. An entertainment industry that doesn’t even exist anymore. I had always prided myself on being able to stay up with the times but in this instance I was living in the dark ages.
Entertainment looks completely different than it did when I was a little girl dreaming of being a professional actress.
Because of the advances in technology the possibilities are wide open and I needed to submit to the vision that God had for me. And frankly I was tired of holding on to my black and white dream while God was trying to give me an updated high resolution, infinityK dream.
Since that weekend I had the opportunity to be the casting assistant to a highly influential Christian Casting director as well as enter my first film festival with some really close friends! That film was chosen as a finalist and will be screening in LA this August. In addition the film was nominated for best original score and best actor!
I can’t believe I just typed those words to you!
It turns out that weekend I had my own private conference while healing from that ankle sprain. I got something infinitely more valuable than an audition.
I was healed from thinking I was walking around with a broken dream and I received freedom by letting go of something I didn’t even know was holding me in bondage.
Is there anything in your life that you are struggling to let go of?
The post What I learned from Letting Go of My Dream appeared first on The Inspire(d) Cafe.
